


You Don't Need To Do Something Just Because You've Seen It In A Movie

by Hebi_Grin



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Bad Writing, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossdressing, Flirting, Gin is bad at writing, GinHijiZura, Kinda, M/M, Makeup, Or bad spelling, Paako - Freeform, Pairings If You Squint, Self Translation, Who Knows?, memories of a geisha reference, mention of dekobokko arc, mention of old gags, movies reference, typical gintama-esque humor, what is the 4th wall, zurako - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 20:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18156914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hebi_Grin/pseuds/Hebi_Grin
Summary: Katsura wondered in an excess of presumption if Hijikata had slipped the cigarette from his lips because he was captivated by the graceful vision of his shapes, and the thought incarnadined his cheeks from embarrassment.





	You Don't Need To Do Something Just Because You've Seen It In A Movie

**Author's Note:**

> A modest GinHijiZura, I guess. Hope this is not ooc. 
> 
> Enjoy!

 

"Not that it changes anything by now, but would you explain why we're _again_ in the same situation as last month?"

Gintoki's back was leaning heavily on the chair, his feet on the desk, his hands folded behind his head and his eyes bored like a boiled fish staring at the ceiling.

"Have you found a time machine? Is anyone watching the extra DVD scenes in the series? Mangaka-Gorilla didn’t know how to fill the panels and decided to reuse scenes rejected by the former editor?”

"How naive you are, Gintoki." Katsura began. A corner of his mouth ruckling into a sneer as he brought to his lips the cup of tea he was holding in his hands to take a long sip. "I wanted to drink tea, and your house was passing through. It seems _obvious_ to me."

Gintoki snapped his tongue against the palate and sighed impatiently.

"The only thing obvious here is that you are a freeloader. People don't go to others' for these reasons, you know?"

"Don't be fussy, Gintoki. I've also made it for you and the kids and brought some pastries, too."

Gintoki had not even bothered to look at them. He was clearly tempted, especially since even the paper in which they were wrapped was lavish, and bore the name of a well-known pastry shop in bourgeois districts of the city in elegant, golden letters. But it was equally overt – and in this, the previous experience played a special role – that it was a ruse: when Katsura offered him something, he had likely an ulterior motive, and even more rarely he was not caught up in some strange plot or intergalactic adventure.

It had been a tiring week, he had _even_ worked every day, and all Gintoki wanted was to spend the weekend sleeping and reading Jump, out of trouble.

"And why you went into _my_ kitchen to make tea not saying anything is another thing I'd like to know. I don't like a terrorist bustling with my stoves. But this is not the point..."

"Gintoki" the other called him. The fingers aggressively tightened the cup despite the controlled tone. "I've told you hundreds of times not to call me a terrorist." He gave him a warning, fleeting glance. "Technically speaking, your kitchen belongs to Otose-dono. And the reason is soon clear: I am better than you at making tea. I’ve gained a quite good experience over the years."

From the hallway came the sound of the closet being opened wide, and the next moment Kagura was into the living room: her hair was still messed up and she was dressed in a red pyjamas of a larger size – Gintoki had bought it for her so that it lasted longer during growth age _and_ because it was comfortable for her; Kagura was joyful to have received a gift from Gintoki of her favourite colour.

"Ohi, Zura! Why are you dressed like that?" She asked, rubbing a sleepy eye with the back of one hand. "Do you think you are again overlapping with other characters-aru? Are they shooting a new _Dekobokko arc_ for the losers that weren't involved-aru? "

"Oh... Leader! Come and have breakfast, there are some pastries! Do you drink tea?" Katsura said more enthusiastically than necessary; his hands already on a clean cup and the teapot to fill it.

"And don't do as if you were at your place! Kagura, don't fall for it! Do like me and not look at what he’s brought: out of sight, out of mind! It's definitely a tactic to frame us like in the fifth episode!"

"Uh, Gin-chan, do you mean this is actually the bushy-eyebrows-fake-mailman aru?" Asked the girl; a finger insistently pricked a pastry under her watchful eyes.

"It looks edible to me, Gin-chan!"

Katsura cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "None of this. But Leader touched a nerve: I’m still rather offended at not being invited into that narrative arc. And Maeda-san is really a postman: it's his part-time job!"

The front door opened.

"I’m here, Gin-san, Kagura ... I took the laundry," the boy began, speaking from the hallway as he took off his shoes. "Oh, good morning, Katsura-san. I didn't think you were here too!" He concluded, giving him a mild smile before putting down the laundry bag.

"Shinpachi-kun! Come, I made tea and brought sweets!” He tapped the couch, in the seat next to his, inviting the boy to sit beside him.

"Pachi, don't be fooled. It's too late for Kagura. Hey, you! At least chew!"

"A girl needs her beauty meal!" She mumbled with three pastries in her mouth.

"Are you working in a nightclub again, Katsura-san?" Shinpachi asked as he sat on the couch where the man had pointed after had poured himself a cup of tea.

"A Samurai must always be ready to dress up as a woman," Katsura said firmly.

"... I am absolutely certain that I’ve never read this sort of thing in any Bushido."

"I can't believe it, here we are again..." Gintoki murmured with a sigh.

"You must learn to read between the lines, Shinpachi! To save this nation you need money, and if you need to dress up like a woman to have it ... So be it!"

"Tell the truth, at least, you like those clothes," Shinpachi replied: his lips were still showing off a gentle smile, but a slight nervous twitch in the right eye could already be noticed behind the lenses.

"You’re wrong! It’s to save the country!” Katsura almost screamed and slammed the cup on the table.

"Shinpachi, don't irritate her, she must be in PMS," Kagura mumbled a moment before throwing another sweet into her mouth and chewing it eagerly.

"It's not PMS, it's Zurako! It all started a few days ago…” Katsura crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes, beginning his story.

"Oh no. No _nonononono._  Here begins a flashback," grumbled Gintoki, his forehead tapping on the desk in desperation.

"I was at a meeting with my men, discussing new plans and future strategies to save this Country, but as usual they were talking about something else. The night before they had watched ' _Memories Of A Geisha'_  on TV”.

“Ah, my sister and I watched it too. It's really a good movie, don't you think, Katsura-san? "

Katsura nodded with conviction.

"But I still didn't know then. I had never seen it before, so I asked Mademoiselle Saigo if she had the VHS. She thought it could be _educational_ for all the hostesses, so she sent Agomi to rent the DVD and we saw it all together before starting the shift.”

"Zura, if you stop telling this story I'll give you three hundred yen." Gintoki lifted his chin from the desk. His eyes were glassy like that of a fish even more dead than simply a boiled fish. He rummaged insistently in his pockets until he pulled out something. "I mean, a hundred yen _and_ a button".

"Zurako. Thanks, but I reject the offer. Ah, anyway Mademoiselle Saigo is short of staff, I’ve already given my word that you will work tomorrow too.”

"That’s out of the question," said Gintoki categorically.

"The night wage is double, plus a bonus for short notice during the weekend, and tips."

"And the drinks?" He stared at Katsura, narrowing his eyes.

"Three for free, and what the customers offer". His expression exuded satisfaction, the same as someone who knows he has played the card the _Change Lap_ at the right time playing Uno.

"I'll be there". Gintoki had not even thought of it, giving Katsura the answer he wanted to be told by pointing solemnly in his direction.

"Well. So, I was telling. At one point in the film, Mameha tells Sayuri that she’ll be ready when she stops a man with a single glance, and so I decided that I should have succeeded too."

Shinpachi frowned and Kagura attacked a booger from the nose under the table.

"Katsura-san... You are _not_ a Geisha." Shinpachi’s voice had taken on a note of impatience. Now his right eyelid closed spontaneously more often and faster than before and adjusted his glasses on his nose.

"This is true, but a samurai must always be ready for any ordeal."

"This has nothing to do with being a Samurai!" Shinpachi screamed, abruptly standing up to his feet.

"Shinpachi, you also have the premenstrual syndrome-aru?"

"Kids, stop interrupting him so at least the flashback ends and we can go back to our lives," suggested Gintoki, hands over the last three – _ignored_ – requests for payment of rent in bulk on the desk. "It will be a weary weekend, I need to go back to sleep."

"This morning I’ve finished the shift at Mademoiselle Saigo's club and I was coming here to have breakfast, when..."

 

*****

 

The night shift in the club was particularly exhausting, especially after a day full of meetings, but at least the wage was double.

Katsura still wore work, women’s, clothes. A veil of makeup was still on his face.

A customer had brought some pastries bought at a renowned pastry shop in the city, and Katsura, having taken his part, knew exactly who would like them.

Not that he wanted to indulge Gintoki's addiction to sugar, however – perhaps – some tray of expensive sweets sooner or later would have convinced him to give in to his requests to join the Joui. And then, it could be an incentive to honour the promise he had made to Saigo.

Despite the dark circles hidden under a layer of makeup, he could say he was radiant and even hummed a tune with his mouth closed.

Suddenly, however, silence fell in the street and Katsura assumed a serious expression.

The long years running away had accustomed him to perceive the danger immediately. Someone called it the sixth sense, someone else _lizard brain_. A threat that had the reek of Bakufu's mongrel dogs. And cigarettes perpetually at Hijikata's mouth.

He had no sword with him, but perhaps he had another ammunition.

 

The smell of cigarette smoke reached his nostrils before he heard the voice of the Vice Chief of the Shinsengumi from around the corner.

The Leader of the Joui grinned slightly, resolutely deciding to use _that_ weapon and ... Try. If things had gone wrong he still could escape running.

"What do you mean you’ve lost sight of the suspect because you were eating dango?! Sougo!" The man's voice had reached shrill notes, yet he had clearly tried not to scream.

"I thought you had the situation under control, Hijikata-san... Honestly, what a disappointment. Slacking off that way! What are you up to?"

 

The Leader of the Joui squeezed his slender fingers on the tray and pressed it against his belly. He proceeded with light steps, small and quick, like if he was dancing; the gaze turned down to simulate a virginal shyness.

 

"Who slacks off?!" Hijikata barked at the very moment they turned the corner and moved in the same direction from where Katsura was coming.. The hand, already at the hilt of the katana, stopped. The butt fell from the mouth of the Vice Chief and rolled to the ground.

 

Katsura wondered in an excess of presumption if Hijikata had slipped the cigarette from his lips because he was captivated by the graceful vision of his shapes, and the thought incarnadined his cheeks from embarrassment.

 

 _Three more steps_.

 

"Ahh, Hijikata, this ain’t good. You even throw the butts on the ground, now?”

_Two._

"Shut up, it fell!"

_One._

It only lasted a fleeting moment.

Katsura raised his head and caressed the man's face with a flattering glance, whom he gave an adulating smile.

Their shoulders almost touched when they passed by.

After walking a few meters, Katsura heard a faint rustling sound and turned his head just enough to see Hijikata out of the corner of his eye.

 _He had stopped. Not only that, he had_ anatomically _turned to look at his figure._

With the satisfaction to pervade his soul for having succeeded in his intent – despite the _slight_ embarrassment – he turned to gaze in his direction and smile once more, not stopping, before resuming his way to Gintoki's.

"Ohi, Sougo, don't you think you've already seen her somewhere...?"

"Flirting on duty, Hijikata-san?" Sougo grinned, sadistic and allusive, and started blowing a bubble with chewing gum.

 

*****

 

Although he initially didn't want to hear his friend's yet another flashback, Gintoki had changed his mind: he would pay to watch the scene.

Well... Not _really_ paid, but he wanted to see anyway.

Not to mention the effort he had to make to hold back laughter when Katsura had proved so resolutely convinced that Hijikata had been fascinated by him disguised as a woman.

And not that now, at the end of the shift at dawn on Sunday morning, he hoped that it would happen again for the occasion. He was absolutely not waiting for Katsura to do the makeup in the ladies' room for that reason.

 

"Groomin’ for the Demon Vice Chief?" Gintoki asked sharply and sarcastically, his back leaning against the counter after the other had given the last touch of madder red to his lips.

Katsura winced at the insinuation of the other, so much so that he almost dropped his lipstick in the sink, and stammered caught completely off guard.

"Wh-what… How on earth! What pops in your head?! Where is this coming from? The policeman and the wanted person? How cliché! Rather, you should spruce yourself up! Look at yourself, you have the mark of the lipstick I left on your cheek!" A moment later, Katsura was insistently passing his thumb over Gintoki’s cheek repeatedly with the intention of making the stain less visible, as an old aunt would have done. "You're a disaster, Gintoki. You can't be seen by a cop like that! By Hijikata? Who knows what he'd think if he saw my lipstick is of the same shade on your cheek?".

Yes, what.

 

Katsura rubbed harder, then stopped and contemplated satisfied his cleaning work. "Here it is, perfect."

"What are you, my mother?"

"Fool! Mothers always make their children look presentable!"

 

Once outside and on the way back, unexpectedly, from a side street in front of them, here he was, the Demon Vice Chief.

He didn't have a lit cigarette – so maybe it was really the cigarette smell that alerted Katsura the previous times, no sixth sense or lizard brain.

 

"Stop him, Paako. Remember, with a look," he whispered.

“I don't even think about it, I won't do these nonsense seen in a movie! Do it yourself".

They were so busy arguing whisper-shouting about who should stop Hijikata, how and above all _why_ – yeah, why? – that although the eyes had crossed they didn't even notice that not only he had looked at them, scrutinizing them suspicious and with attention and that he had _gone beyond._

"Hey, you two. Stop."

Hijikata had stopped a few steps behind them, not turning around. Unhurriedly, he brought the cigarette to his lips and lit it with his lighter in the shape of a mayonnaise bottle, closed his eyes and took a deep drag.

"I know who you are," he concluded, and his body turned to them only now.

 

"Zura, things go wrong here. Flee. I’ll take care of this" Gintoki whispered.

Katsura grinned, confiding in his disguise, and began to turn around to face Hijikata.

“It’s not Zura, it’s––”

“You are the stars of the Takarazura Opera Company. I saw your show _The Roses of Versailles,_ " said Hijikata, right behind them, less than a step away. "I'm a fan of yours, may I have an autograph?" He asked handing a pen and paper.

"Of course!".

"Not at all."

The two gave simultaneously, in falsetto, the opposite answer.

But Katsura had already accepted the paper and pen from Hijikata's hands.

"Can you write _To Toshi with tender affection_ or something like that?"

"Mh-mh," Katsura murmured. " _T_ _oshi, sweetheart_ , do you want my friend to write the same thing? But she has never been very good at writing…”

"In fact, it would be nice if you wrote two different dedications..." Hijikata said thoughtfully, stroking his jaw with his thumb and forefinger.

“Give me! Done. Here. "

 

They had just greeted the man still waving their hand in the air.

"Stop it," Gintoki ordered, as the other chuckled.

"Did you see?! You stopped him! You’re ready for the apprenticeship! "

"This is not _Memories Of A Geisha._ "

"I was talking about that in the Royal Guards of Versailles!"

Gintoki didn't hit him just because he was _tired,_  and he just sighed in exasperation.

"What did you write on the sheet?" Katsura asked curiously, glancing over him.

" _To Toshi with passion._  To make him fool but happy."

Katsura widened his eyes in surprise.

 

A whole block away, Hijikata was still looking at the dedication. One, in particular, had left him ... baffled.

_"To Toshi with pullup?!"._

 

 

 


End file.
